P1010969

Based on my post from yesterday, I have a lot to think about in terms of time management and managing my commitments. I am motivated to change more than ever before, and I want to take advantage of that.

In the past, I was the Queen of New Year’s Resolutions. I was going to ‘get in shape’, eat clean, pray unceasingly and all the other behaviors we idealize in order to achieve the perfect version of our self. But, instead of making a bunch of resolutions, I picked a word that I wanted to inform how I live this year. A word that serves as a gentle reminder of things I want to work towards, without judgment.

My word that I chose for 2015 is INTIMACY. 

This word has been on my mind for weeks. To me it perfectly illustrates the type of growth I want to achieve this year, and it applies to every area of my life. I really like this word because it also implies being in a relationship with someone that is based on who they are and not what they do.

Spiritually. This is the biggest area of my life where I want to change. I want to be in deeper intimacy with God though reading the scriptures, prayer and meditation.

Relationally: This is also a big area for me. I want to cultivate a deeper level of intimacy with my husband. Like I said yesterday, the last few months have been tough on our marriage and I didn’t leave much room for Chris amidst the demands of work and school. I want to be more emotionally available, and work at actively listening when he talks about work or things he cares about. Instead of nodding my head and thinking about my to-do list. And, you know, intimacy in the bedroom too :).

In addition to my relationship with my husband, I also want to develop more intimacy with my friendships. I don’t have many people that I can talk to about personal things, and want to cultivate more community where I feel I can be myself.

Personally: For so long I have pushed through exhaustion, better judgment, and the kind advice from family to finish the job and get stuff done. I admit I am still a people pleaser and if I am completely honest, I still fear disappointing people. My goal for this year is to cultivate a deeper level of intimacy with myself. To be mindful of when I am tired and need to rest, and when I need to say no to other people and commitments. Also to listen to my body and what it needs instead of giving in to the craving for sugar. I want to work at being more aware of my emotional, mental, spiritual and physical boundaries and stay within them.

Professionally: I learned so many new things last year and was really thankful for the abundance of information. I will always be learning something new, but this year I want to build on my knowledge from last year and develop a deeper intimacy with the herbs and how to use them to help people. I also want to place a big focus on getting better at growing food on my property.

Last year was so focused on doing, growing, and making things happen. While my personality inherently dictates a certain degree of that will always be present (I will always have a list of things I want to learn and do!). This year I want to focus on NOT feeling like I HAVE to keeping going and doing to feel validated as a person. I want to DO less and BE more. I want to be able to accept kindness from others without feeling the need to earn it. I want to be better at asking for help without feeling like a failure because I couldn’t do it on my own. I want to be able to rest in God’s grace and acceptance. I want to move past feeling my work directly informs my self-worth.

I have my word for 2015 and some goals that will hopefully inform the steps I take to progress this year. But I don’t have a list of resolutions. I am hard enough on myself as it is :). I have set my intention, but life happens. This is a year to judge myself less, accept myself more, aim for progress over perfection, and celebrate the victories, no matter how small.

My hope is that any of you reading can extend to yourself the same courtesy.

I feel very optimistic about the future. This year is going to be the best year yet!!

P1010968