I wrote in the end of January how I was going to implement a morning routine for the month of February with journaling, bible reading and prayer. I had my plan written up, I shared it with you on the blog, and in reality I only did it for 1 day. What a bummer.
I didn’t want to share my experience on here, because I felt like such a failure.
When I actually had to sit down and do it, I felt like I was hitting a brick wall of resistance. I don’t know how else to describe it. I am much more successful when it comes to implementing a new project (like soap making) or adding in a kitchen chore or taking care of someone else. But, for some reason when it comes to incorporating mindfulness or self-care practices, I hit a wall. I have always been a doer. When I am feeling dissatisfied or tired I am great at distracting myself by learning something new or doing research, but I have never learned how to be intentional about rest. I think it feels selfish to me.
My word for 2015 was Intimacy. With a full schedule it was easy to say that I wanted to ‘do less and be more’ this year. But when things slowed down and I have less on my plate, I got emotional and angsty. Truthfully, I feel less valuable when I am not productive and getting stuff done. Hmmmm… there is a limiting belief if I ever saw one.
In full disclosure, I haven’t been sticking to my detox diet either. I shared how I wanted to stick to the detox diet we did in January to work on healing my gut because of my poor digestion. But I caved and started gluten and sugar again. My frustration with myself led to emotional overeating which made me feel fat and it was a bad cycle.
I have been putting off writing this post and because it isn’t fun to admit failure or be honest about feelings. I thought making myself implement a morning routine and stick to a detox diet would magically fix my emotional insecurities and feeling of self-worth. HA! Silly me for thinking I could do this on my own. Even though most things are going great, I know I am missing an important piece of my health by not feeling like I am worth taking the time for intentional rest and self-care so I can invest in my emotional and spiritual well-being.
Last week I received an email from a good friend who shared that she was going through similar struggles. We talked on the phone and shared how we felt helpless for not being able to stay disciplined with our devotional times and eating habits. Then we started talking about what we were going to do about it. We talked about how we need to have grace for ourselves and learn to love who we are NOW and not be upset that we aren’t where we want to be.
After talking for a long time we decided our first step should be to replace negative self-talk with positive self-talk. You know, to look in the mirror and be thankful for a beautiful smile instead of being upset about acne and cellulite. I have been doing this for a week and it quickly got difficult to think of nice things to say… So, I changed my wording. If I look in the mirror and start to think something negative I say to myself some variation of “you are beautiful, you are worthy, you are unconditionally loved”. It feels cheesy but I have to keep saying it until I believe it about myself.
Since we were also talking about how our clothes weren’t fitting like we wanted, our other action step for this week was to purchase a piece of clothing that makes us feel confident and beautiful to honor the present.
It is easier to feel confident and in control when I am really busy, kickin’ butt, and getting things done. But when things slow down and I have time to evaluate my inner health, the insecurities start to rise up again. I hope that approaching my insecurities and failures with love and God’s help will be the answer to finding true worth and self-acceptance. Regardless of how many things I crossed off the to-do list that day.
I write this to be transparent and to let you in on the things swirling through my head in hopes that my words resonate with you and help you in your journey. You are not alone. You might be like me and find yourself accustomed to jumping from one thing to the next without having the time to process or evaluate the state of your soul. I feel an overwhelming thankfulness to be in relationship with the God whose love for me is unconditional. He will be the one to show me how to love myself unconditionally so I can extend it to others.
This post has been edited and revised many times over the last week and I guess I will finally publish it. I will update again in the end of March to let you know how this uncomfortable process is going :).
Now, I would love to hear from you. Do you struggle with taking time for self-care? Do you find it difficult to separate your feeling of worth from what you do? What did you do to move past it?